~ My Backstory ~

        Everyone has their own story and mine has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. However, the universe works in mysterious ways and through a lot of hard work, determination, research, and self-acknowledgement, I have been able to conquer it all. I have forgiven, I have let go, I learned to rewire my brain, and best of all, I have learned to truly love myself. When I share any part of my story now, all the details are backed by pure unconditional love. All the other emotions have vanished; man, it’s a wonderful feeling!!

I love my story and am very grateful for it. I am 100% comfortable with it and will share it with anyone. But rather than getting into all the juicy details on my site, I’ll give you some good, tasty morsels … some of those invisible strings that were connected, processed, forgiven, and healed.

Our lives go in 7-year cycles to cultivate our understanding of self and the universe

The methods and principles are what really matter in the course of a natural spiritual human life. Whether we realize it or not, local, planetary, solar, and universal influences are constantly shaping and energizing these phases of growth. 

Childhood (0-7) – The most delightful and cherished years. State of purity, play, explore, acclimate. Begins the process of strengthening our souls, overcoming trials and challenges. Clear bliss on uninterrupted joy. 

I am a middle child and always considered myself to be the black sheep. My brother is 3 years older; my sister is 6 years younger. We “saw” things and understood things much differently.

      · Within weeks after my birth, as I lay sleeping in my basinet, my brother – who was 3 – pulled up a step stool, grabbed a rawhide dog chew and beat me up with it, his focus was my head which was the size of a baseball. My mom had to rush me to the emergency room, bloody and screaming. It’s a good thing CPS wasn’t really a big thing back then. But back to it, yes, my brother has hated me from day one and still does. 

          o Through my growth, I now know that we had a past life together. Our genders were opposite. I was the male, and he was the female. I apparently did him wrong in a traumatic way and he carried that with him to this lifetime. Instead of healing and letting go, he chose to hold onto it. He always accuses me of taking things from him. Things I would never want or need. 

     · I hated being hugged when I was a toddler.

          o The love vibe wasn’t authentic, I pushed away.

     · I slipped off a ladder on a boat dock in our local lake around the age of 4-5. I remember hearing my dad say, “Let her drown, it’ll teach her a lesson”. 

     · My grandmother used to make me go to church with her every Sunday. She even enrolled me in their confirmation classes. When she came to pick me up on the first day of attending, I came flying out the church door screaming and crying. Grandma asked what was wrong and I remember, telling her through hysterical tears that they were lying, everything that they are trying to teach is a lie. She made me go back a second time and again I came rushing out hysterically crying. When she asked what’s wrong this time, I repeated what I had said the week before, but this time I added “God would never ask for a baby to be cut in half”. That was the end of that. She never made me go to classes or to church with her again. Although, I did go to church with her on holidays, only because all the singing and music made me happy. 

     · Around the age of 7, we were on a road trip traveling back from visiting my grandparents in Ohio. My parents forgot me at a rest area off the Interstate. I was almost a real-life Joe Dirt LOL

     · At 7 years old, my great grandmother passed (my grandmother’s mother). About four days after her service, I remember being woken up by something in the middle of the night, I looked toward my bedroom doorway, and I saw my great grandmother standing there, staring at me with the most loving smile on her face. However, her smile didn’t keep me from being scared out of my wits; I threw the covers over my head and hid. 

     · While mom worked 2nd shift, dad would take us to either a local bar or a random girls house. He cheated a lot and could never take care of us by himself. We had to sit quietly at a corner table in a bar or play outside at whatever random house he took us to. 

     · For reasons only she knows, my dad’s mom never really wanted to have a relationship with us. Although my grandparents lived close by, we never saw them that much. From as far back as I can remember, I felt her disdain for us which caused me to go into fits when we had to go to their house for Christmas. I remember early on begging my mom to let me go to her mothers’ house instead. We were never allowed to sit on her furniture, we had to sit on the floor or the fireplace hearth. I remember overhearing my dad get into a fight with his mom because she never offered to keep one of us over night. Next thing I know, I’m being told to pack an overnight bag. I have been allergic to mushrooms for as long as my memory allows; that night she made me Cream of Mushroom soup for dinner, while her and my grandfather had steak and potatoes. I was seriously sick the rest of the night, she never called my parents to come get me. Instead, she had me sleep in a spare bedroom on a bed covered with a big clear plastic tarp and a small throw blanket she brought up from the basement. In the morning I refused breakfast and when her back was turned, I ran outside and hid behind some bushes until she had my parents come pick me up because she couldn’t find me. 

Childhood (7-14) – Development of self and our unique characteristics. Arising from our blood, lineage, tribe, heart, bones. Defined by the artistry of our personality. Things we need to work on from prior lives start to present themselves. Strengths and conflicts.

     · I was a magnet for bullies. And boy oh boy did they go hard! For me it was a nightmare – I was abused at home and bullied at school – it’s no wonder I made two attempts at my life during those years. 

     · My dad once told me that he never wanted kids, he just did it to shut my mom up.

     · My entire childhood, my dad told me that I was no better than a piece of factory dirt that had gotten stuck to the bottom of his work boot. I was ugly and no one would ever want me because of my crooked teeth and frizzy hair.

     · My dad made to do lists for my brother and I for after school. If things weren’t done to his liking when he got home from whatever bar he was at, we’d get our head smashed against a wall, tossed down the stairs, or we got "the belt."

     · I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle (mom’s sister). My uncle’s father owned a successful business and my uncle worked there in the swanky offices. They did very well for themselves, built a few houses, took lots of vacations. When they finally had kids, they would take me on vacation with them to Florida. I’d babysit my cousins so they could go out and have some adult fun. My grandmother came with us quite a few times. 

          o During one of my last trips with them, I was blossoming into those rebellious teenage years. I was told I was babysitting for my cousins as well as my uncle’s brother’s step kids in Florida so all the adults could go out. I remember not being pleased with the extra kids, but I wasn’t given a choice. In the morning when my uncle’s brother brought me back to my aunt and uncle’s house he asked if I wanted to call my mom back in NY from his new fancy car phone (the old big brick looking phone with its own shoulder carry bag). Of course, I said yes, I mean how exciting it is to call my mom from a vehicle. When he dropped me off, I asked for my payment for watching his step kids and he told me that him allowing me to use his new phone to call my mom was my payment. I never babysat for him again ... that was demeaning and shady!

          o In my younger years I was lucky to see both sides of the coin. My parents were poor, my dad was abusive. However, on the other side of that, my aunt and uncle did well financially and materialistically. They seemed very happy, and I don’t remember ever seeing them fight. It was two totally different worlds. My grandmother and my aunt would help my mom with buying our school clothes and supplies. If my mom came home with anything for us, she was met with a nasty physical fight.

     · On a day that my brother had baseball practice, I came home from school and there was no list. I ran around the house looking for it, what I noticed was all my dad’s belongings had been removed. I called my mom at work; she immediately left and came home. A few hours later, dad pulls in the driveway with a woman in the passenger seat. He comes in alone and tells her he wants a divorce. My mom cried tears of sadness and fear of the unknown, while I was crying happy relief tears. Finally, my prayers had been answered.

Childhood (14-21) – Outward observation. Start to examine the world around us. What it’s for, how it influences us. Observation of our fellow human beings. What crap the adults have settled for. Intellect, sensitivity, sensuality, creativity, love, higher aspirations – and the negative mappings of depression, anxiety, separation, and loss.

     · It was late at night and my brother hadn’t gotten home from his job yet, two of his friends showed up to pick him up to go out and do whatever. When his friends realized my mom was in bed sleeping and I was basically alone downstairs, they grabbed me and tackled me to the floor. One held me down while the other one sexually assaulted me. After they left, I went and woke up my mom and told her what had just taken place; she didn’t believe a word I said and went back to sleep. 

     · At 15, I was babysitting for someone as an unpaid favor. The boy decided it was a good idea to chase me around the house with his BB gun. I turned to tell him to knock it off and take it away from him, he shouted, "it's not loaded" and then pulled the trigger. I felt a sting on my face, then blood running down my left cheek. I called his mother and made her come home from work. Instead of her discipling her son, she looked at my face and said, "my son said it was just air that hit you". I replied, "if it was just air, why is it bleeding?" I left and walked to my dad's girlfriend's house. I showed both her and my father, explained what happened. They both told me I was being dramatic; it was probably just air. Three weeks go by, the obvious hole on my cheek healed and I start getting headaches and sharp stabbing pain in my left cheek. Back to dads I went. I made his girlfriend put her finger on the healed hole, I guided her hand, and she was able to feel the BB rolling up and down my cheekbone. When my father came home from work, she made him take me to the ER to have it checked out. Initially the crazy doctor tried to pop it like a pimple, like tried to pop the BB out of the healed hole! When that obviously didn't work, he numbed my face and made an incision. At the first sight of blood, dad went to the floor. Afterwards dad made the doctor give him the BB so he could keep it as a souvenir. He kept it in an old tic tac container.  

         o After my dad passed, I looked for that tic tac container when I cleaned out his room. I found the container but all it had in it was a single diamond earring and my hospital bracelet from my birth. Last night (8/29/23), when I got up from my couch to refill my water, I heard something small fly by, hit the wall then the floor, then roll and hit the baseboard. Wondering what it was, I grabbed my phone, turned on the flashlight and on the floor, I find a BB. I picked it up to investigate further, it looks like that EXACT same one that came out of my cheek, I even noticed what looked like dried blood on it. Then the above memory popped in my head, and I felt tears run down my face. If you read through my journey, you already know my dad passed January 1, 2019, and I moved to South Carolina nineteen days later. I moved into an apartment then again into my current house. That tic tac container has been in my desk since I settled into the apartment in 2019, still holding the single diamond earring and baby bracelet. This morning I put the BB in its rightful place and knew I needed to add this memory to my back story. 

     · Due to the fact that I had no health insurance, I was forced to go to the local Planned Parenthood facility for checkups. They said my exam looked odd and sent me to a facility out of town. During this exam, they informed me that I had cervical cancer and needed a certain procedure done immediately. One procedure led to another and another, leaving me in excruciating pain and my monthly’s getting worse. No other doctor, besides the first referral ever mentioned anything about me having cancer. Being young and naïve, I blew it off and learned to live with my new “normal” pain. 

         o Later in life I learned that this led to me not being able to conceive or carry a child, and a hysterectomy at the age of 38.  

     · I dated a boy from another school. During the summer, he stayed at his dads, who lived deep in the woods (no mans land). He knew I was borrowing my dad’s truck to run to the Indian reservation to grab cigarettes. He called me before I left the house (before cell phones) and asked if I’d stop at his house on my way to the reservation. When I pulled in the driveway, I saw him through the 2nd story window, I parked and heard him yell “thank god she’s here”. Down the stairs he ran and came out through the side door, collapsing on the ground while holding his stomach. I walked up to him laughing, asking what game he was trying to play and nudged him with my foot. He rolled onto his back, and I saw a huge hole in his chest. He had shot himself. At the time, I was obsessed with watching an old TV show called Rescue 911. I had a girlfriend with me so I had her go into the house and grab all the towels she could find and the cordless phone. I stayed outside with him talking to him, asking him questions and focusing on his breathing. Instinctively, I slowly rolled him on his side and noticed there was a matching hole on his back, so I shoved a towel under him to keep the dirt out of the back wound and placed another towel on his chest and applied pressure – all while calling 911 and explaining what I was doing to the dispatcher. I sent my friend back into the house for a few wet towels of which I used to wipe his face and forehead. He was sweating really bad. When the paramedics finally got there, they took his vitals, told me I was doing a great job and to continue until the helicopter landed in a clearing down the street. After the paramedics took him to the helicopter, I was made to stay back to answer questions with the police. They took me into the house, we found the gun lying on the kitchen table but were unable to find the bullet. We knew he had an exit wound, so it had to be there somewhere. His dad, later that day, found it under the microwave. Meanwhile, after the police let me go, I went straight to the hospital and was greeted by his family members outside. All hugging me while they cried. His mom took me into the ICU. The charge nurse said I wasn’t allowed in because I wasn’t family. She went off on the nurse advising that if it weren’t for me (his girlfriend) he wouldn’t be here. The nurse looked puzzled and stated his girlfriend was already in the room with him. Then when we both looked puzzled, she showed us to his room. There, at his bedside, holding his hand stood a crying redhead (who I knew and who I had hung out with). I hadn’t cried before this, probably due to the increase of adrenalin and shock … at this point I lost it. His mom grabbed my hand and walked me outside. I saw his mom often, for several years, until I moved away. I saw him once, years later, zero emotion. 

     · I intercepted a call trying to confirm an appointment my dad and his girlfriend had made to check me into a mental institution. I was a teenager processing what happened in the saga above. I didn’t need a mental institution, I needed parents who were compassionate. And with that, I ran away and stayed with random friends.

     · I changed schools in 10th, 11th, and 12th grade – due to bullying, not really having a home to go to, and to be quite honest, I didn’t feel like I was learning anything of truth or importance. For a little while, my English teacher from my original school picked me up from random friend’s houses and would take me to school. I never finished an entire year throughout those last three years and ended up dropping out a few months into 12th grade. Determined to “graduate” in the same year I was always supposed to, I obtained my GED that same year. 

     · I purchased my first car (a 1981 Chevy Citation) from a local junkyard for $500. The floor was missing and in its place was cardboard and later plywood.

     · I lived in several very small, cheap apartments and worked various jobs. While living in one of these places, I started dating a guy who had invited me to his moms’ house for Thanksgiving dinner. Little did I know, but he had an ulterior motive and forced me to stay. During the night, while I was sleeping, he smashed all the windows on my car and popped all my tires. In the morning he said “someone must really hate you”. I was stuck and he kept me locked in a room. Having sex with me without my permission whenever he wanted. When I was allowed to leave the room, I was told to sit and conversate normally with his mother and pretend we were deeply in love. When I tried to drop her hints as to what was going on, he’d take me to the basement and abuse me; never leaving marks where people could see them. When I didn’t turn in my rent money, my landlord got suspicious and started asking around about me and my whereabouts. On a day I was conversating with his mother, we heard banging at the door. She looked out a window and called to her son asking why there were several police cars and a tow truck in their driveway. With no reply to her, he grabbed me and attempted to take me to the basement, I was in the midst of fighting him off me when she opened the door. The police must have heard me yelling because they burst past her and ran towards my yelling. He and his mother were both arrested. My car and I were taken away. My landlord paid for my car to get fixed and told me it probably wasn’t a good idea to stay in the apartment with that guy knowing where I lived. So …

     · I lived in my car, showered in friend’s houses, lakes, and creeks. When I needed to do laundry, I snuck into my grandparent’s house (moms’ parents) while they were at work, washed my clothes, made something to eat and sometimes I’d help myself to my grandfather’s quarters he saved in the kitchen cabinet so I could buy Burger King breakfast sandwiches over the next few days to keep me fed. 

     · Through a local temp office, I worked in several factories doing various tasks. I was the best door hinge maker on my shift. 

     · I stayed with my best friend on and off for a while at her various residences. Remember the boyfriend that shot himself? Yeah, my best friend was his older sister. She had her own relationship drama and kid issues so when I stayed with her, I was helping her with her kids, and she was helping me figure things out. I was still very close with her parents. Her dad would come to her apartments in the morning for coffee and ginger snap cookies. He and I had many heart to heart talks, mainly about me just wanting to better my circumstances. I remember him telling me that I had the determination to make great things happen for myself. 

     · I was at a party one night in some woods when I met this boy that was a bit younger than me. His sister had taken him there because she was on babysitting duty for him. He noticed something was off about me so decided to strike up a conversation. At the end of the party, he informed his sister that they were taking me home with them. In the morning they explained my situation to their parents; I lived at their house and was one with their family for several months. They were the nicest people and genuinely cared … something I wasn’t used to. I was living there when I scored my first office job on my own. My grandmother was so happy at how things had changed for the better for me and decided to co-sign a car purchase. After almost a year there, their oldest daughter had called and said she was moving home from Colorado with their grandbaby. This led to me reconnecting with an old friend (a girl my brother had dated), she asked me to move into her apartment and share expenses. 

     · When I was 20, a friend I made while working at Walmart introduced me to an old schoolmate of hers and we started dating. He was the first boyfriend I had in my young adulthood that was super nice to me and very loving. He showed me what relationships are supposed to be like. In our first year together, his father set him up with a friend who was looking for an employee for his Podiatry business. After a little while of him working there, they began looking for another office member and so, they hired me. We didn’t see patients in the office. The doctor and my boyfriend would travel to various nursing homes, and they’d do their podiatry work. I stayed in the office and took care of the billing, dictations, charts, and scheduling. 

Young Adulthood (21-28) –Inward observation. Inner refinement is tested. Spiritually evolving.

     · After I turned 21, the doctor and his wife decided to move the business an hour and a half away. They told us that if we wanted to move as well, they would help pay for our moving costs. Subconsciously knowing that I wanted more, I suggested we go. He proposed a few months later over a microphone at a crowded bowling alley while we were visiting his mom and sister in Florida. A year later at our rehearsal dinner, his grandmother pulled me aside and said, “he should be marrying her, not you”, her eyes went to the girl (my friend) who had set us up two years prior. After we were married and my last name was changed, I found myself thinking and feeling differently. I wanted a new environment and had had my fill of working for the podiatrist. When I brought the idea of moving to a new state to my husband, he said if he moved anywhere it was going to be into his dad’s house, back to where the rest of his family lived, three hours away. That didn’t sit well in my gut. We were a married couple, had really great work experience, drive, and determination … we shouldn’t be living with his father. Nine months into our marriage, I left him and moved an hour and a half back to my hometown.

     · Working two jobs, I made things work with being on my own. I was broke and couldn’t afford to do much with my friends. But honestly, I was ok with it, I was used to it from before I met my husband and I had grown up without it. I remember sitting on my couch and staring out my picture window almost daily daydreaming about what I wanted, needed, deserved. I pictured so many different life scenarios for myself. 

          o Side note: Although I did say to my friends, “I can’t afford to do that”, I never felt bad about it, or any less of a person. I had what I needed to survive and that was good enough for me.

     · One day after I left my brother’s house, I was driving thinking about someone he told me about who had passed away. I realized I wasn’t sad about their passing; I wasn’t releasing any type of grief; I felt no type of grief. I remember thinking there must be something wrong with me because I wasn’t sad or crying. I found it odd that I was feeling at peace with this person’s passing, almost like subconsciously I knew they were safe, free, and somehow still with me. 

     · I met and started dating a new guy. (A friend of a friend). I started going to church with him and his family. I remember sitting there listening to the sermons and in my head, I kept hearing different things. “Why are they portraying things in that way?”, “Well that’s not how things really went”, “There’s a lot more to that story”. At this point I didn’t want to attend any more, but I didn’t want to hurt his mothers’ feelings. It was around this time that two very dear friends of mine told me they were moving to Florida, and I was welcome to come with them if I wanted. I told my boyfriend about it. A couple days later he came to my apartment and told me that the place where he works has a sister company in North Carolina, he didn’t want me to move to Florida, so he put in for a transfer. Next thing I know, we’re in a moving truck headed south. The first day that he went to his new job, and I was at the apartment by myself, I walked outside with my coffee, smelled the air, and this rush came over me … I felt like I was home. I knew that me still being married was an issue for him so while there I went through the divorce process.  His boss’s wife was the owner of a Temp Agency, I went to see her, and she placed me at a local insurance agency as a fill in receptionist while the permanent one was on maternity leave. I apparently did a spectacular job because they ended up hiring me full time to work on a project. When the project was finished, they called another agency down the street and told them about me. They hired me on the spot and sent me to a college in Charlotte for Risk Management and paid for me to obtain my state license. Things were amazing until several months later when the shit hit the fan. During my daily travels, I had started to notice a mysterious white van following me to various places. I believe the first time I noticed it was when I was leaving the mall. About a week later I went out the back door of the office where I worked and noticed it sitting in the parking lot across the street. A few days later I went home for lunch and noticed it following me. It followed me into my complex, when I got out of my car, two Cuban men jumped out and tried to throw me in the van. I screamed and started to fight them off. One guy hit his head on the corner or the van door, the other I kicked in the balls and took off toward my door. I was able to get into my apartment and immediately called my boyfriend. He worked right around the corner, so he and his boss jumped in a truck and sped to the complex. When they got there the van was trying to leave, they blocked them from leaving long enough to get their tag information. His boss had a cell phone, so he called the police and gave them the information. We later found out that these men were in their work van and had been seen following other females around. They were both arrested and fired from their jobs. Maybe a month or so later, the boyfriend and I got into a physical altercation, and he kicked me out. With no vehicle, no place to go, and a new Boxer puppy I reached out to this girl I had met at one of his softball games. She came and picked up me and the puppy and took us to her house. Two days later, we both took the day off work and went to the apartment with several of her friends and their trucks. Side note: we did this all while he was at work, however since I no longer had a key, I had the receptionist at his job sneak me into his office and grab the spare key from his desk drawer. We put everything in storage except for my clothes. She got me a second job as a hostess so I could save up enough to get my own place. Her grandmother let me use her car until I got my own. My grandmother to the rescue again, even though she was twelve hours away, co-signed again for me. 

          o Side note: The sticker on the window said it had a/c however, when I got it back to my friends, she noticed that there wasn’t. After several times of trying to get the dealer to make things right, I contacted the local news station and they put it on the 5 o’clock news. The next day, the dealer called and told me to bring it to Charlotte, they were going to have a/c installed and give me a loaner. 

By the time I had saved up enough for an apartment, I heard from my grandmother that my mom was having medical issues and could possibly have cancer. I felt it necessary to move back home and help her if she needed it. Even though we weren’t on good terms, I still felt the need to be in the area for her.

     · My dad and I had stopped talking again quite a while back because his new girlfriend told him his only family was her and their bar friends. And he purposefully fell out of a tree while he was drunk so he’d lose his job and would not have to pay my mom child support for my little sister. Anyway, out of desperation I reached out to my dad for a place to live.  I knew his girlfriend still had a small house that was sitting empty. It was in desperate need of repair and was in the worst part of town, but I’d make it work. Even though there was crazy crime in this area, subconsciously I knew I’d be safe. He told me I could live there for $200 a month and any money I put into fixing it would go towards me buying it. 

          o Side note: Not only were all the floors plywood with no coverings, but there was also no shower. I stapled cheap plastic tarps to the walls, hung a shower head from the ceiling and used vice grips to turn the water on and off. I bought a refrigerator from a secondhand store for $75, I got a stove for free but it had been stored in a barn so it was infested with mice, and went to a local church on an intuitive whim and found out that a couple of their regulars were redoing their kitchen. They gave me their old cabinets for free and I made countertops out of scrap wood. 

I made friends with the surrounding neighbors; they actually welcomed me to the neighborhood and told me they’d make sure no one messed with me. And if I ever needed help, to just yell out the window. They were always outside sitting on their porches “making their money”, somehow, I knew I was safe. I got a job at a local insurance company as a receptionist and at a member only lake restaurant as a seating hostess. After about ten months of me being in this house and fixing what I could, I heard through some people that my dad was planning on kicking me out after I’d finished with the remodel. I contacted my stepsister, and she told me I could move into one of her rentals. During the night, I had friends with trucks come over and we loaded up. My dad and his girlfriend showed up during the loading and it ended in a very physical altercation between myself, my dad, and his girlfriend. I cracked my dads’ ribs and threw a recliner at his girlfriends head. 

     · At the insurance company, I worked my way to their billing department, then a Personal Lines Customer Service Rep, then up to a Commercial Underwriting position. A few years in, the head cheese told me that there was nowhere else to climb to and I’d be getting no more raises, so I started looking elsewhere. 

     · While I was living in the house, I got back together with the guy I had moved to North Carolina with (he moved back before I did). I broke up with him after I caught him cheating. 

          o Side note: For years I had what I’ve always referred to as spidey senses which I now know was intuition and I’ve always had great detective skills. 

     · While living in one of my stepsisters’ apartments, I met a guy online who lived two hours away. We traveled to see each other every weekend. My upstairs neighbor watched my Boxer for me. Since my North Carolina Insurance License didn’t transfer to New York, I had to retake all of the college courses and pass the NY State exam. This boyfriend helped me get through all of that nonsense. 

Adulthood (28-35) –Shape our outward life to shape our inner journey. Engagement with the most significant parts of life. Pioneering. Our behaviors are adapted to our environment and the people around us. Periods of rest and contemplation. Projects, work, communities, setting solid foundations to new ways of living and growing.

     · After I was licensed, I accepted a newly formed position with an insurance group an hour and a half away. The father of the guy I was dating called me before move day and informed me that his son was cheating on me and because I was the sweetest girl his son has ever brought home, he wanted to let me know. The day after I moved, I broke it off with the guy. At this point, I swore off guys and dating and just wanted to focus on my career. I was going into a brand-new position underwriting and placing commercial insurance policies for twenty-six agencies throughout NY State. The company I was coming from didn’t deal with most of the lines of business I was going to be working with so I figured my time would be better spent learning everything I could. And accelerate I did, I set many goals for myself. 

     · I had a goal to buy my first house on my own before I turned 30. That didn’t necessarily happen, but I scrimped and saved and closed on my first house a month before I turned 31. 

     · A few months into living in my new house, we found out my grandmother had cervical cancer. She didn’t want surgery in our hometown, so she came up to where I lived. After her surgery, I moved her into my spare room so she’d be close to her doctor, and I could keep an eye on her. I had a friend that helped me a lot around the house so, if she had an appointment and I couldn’t leave work, he took her. When she lost her hair from chemo, he graciously took her wig shopping. He had been my friend ever since I moved there, he was a very sweet guy helping me in any way he could. After several months grandma was healed, and it was time for her to move back home. My mom & aunt found her an apartment and moved her back. 

          o Side note: During the entire time my grandmother lived with me, never did I once take any money from her. She had helped me out so much in the past, that I felt it was my turn to help with no monetary expectations. Things were tight of course, but we were happy to be there together. 

     · Shortly after grandma left, my little English Bulldog, Anabel left me at the timing of her choice. She waited for me to get home from work on a Friday, gave her final goodbye kisses and moved on. My boxer hid behind the kitchen table.

     · I started lightly dating again, but in my head every date was a kind of application process. I’d ask certain things or bring up certain things and if their answer or response wasn’t acceptable to me, I cut them off. I was very good at cord cutting, I found myself doing it often throughout the years. I knew what I wanted, what I deserved and what I was worthy of, I was not going to settle. This went on for about eight years. 

          o Side note: My job, as much as I loved it, had started to take its toll and I kept getting the feeling I wanted to learn more. I left there for a normal Commercial Lines CSR position at another insurance agency. All of the promises that were made during the hiring process didn’t happen. The employees were severe bullies with ginormous egos. It was a completely hostile working environment. I was beginning to fall into a bad space mentally and began seeing a counselor. After I explained my situation, she referred me to an attorney. He had the counselor put me on medical leave while he filed the appropriate paperwork. At the end I was awarded severance and unemployment assistance. 

     · I felt as though my boxer (Turner) needed a friend and because I was in healing mode, I thought a puppy might be a good idea. So, I rescued a little Cockapoo from a puppy mill that was in the process of being shut down by authorities. My little Cooper. He and Turner got along fantastically, but I realized I still wasn’t quite over Anabel yet, so I really didn’t play with Cooper a lot. My cousin was staying with me during this time, so she spent more time with him than I did. 

     · While I was putting myself back together from that whole job situation, I explored Match.com and started dating a guy. I wasn’t really into him but in my head, I kept hearing “hang in there a little longer.” He loved both my dogs and would allow me to bring them to his house when I slept over. One night I went out with friends from work, and he went out with his. We were to meet up afterwards at his house. I showed up on time, but he did not. I was woken up at 230am when he was being helped in the house by a guy I’d seen once before (at a retirement party he took me to). Apparently, he was so drunk he lost his car and this guy offered to bring him home. My guy perks up when he sees me standing there and demands I take the three of us to breakfast. Not wanting to fight, I agreed to take them, oh yeah and he made me pay the bill. At the restaurant, I was filled in on this other guy’s story. When my guy went to the bathroom, the friend said some things that clicked in my head but of course I ignored it due to being upset about the whole breakfast situation. His words were kind and of curiosity as to why I would be with a person who treated me so badly (he tried to pimp me out). A few months later, on the boyfriend’s birthday, he broke it off with me. I remember being more angry than sad, but not depressed. I felt relief. 

     · A few months before that break up, when I was back to my normal self (mentally; from my last employer), I put together a position proposal and met with another agency in the area. They also were a part of a group, and I was to underwrite and place the commercial business for all agencies within their group. When Christmas time came around and I was making my family list of gifts to buy, the ex-boyfriend’s friend from breakfast popped into my head. It came with a feeling that I needed to go to coffee with him; no relationship with him, just coffee and talk. Oh, my goodness that urge to talk was intense. I only knew his first name and a few details about his life. I activated my spidey senses and detective skills and figured out his last name and his address. I mailed him a Christmas card with a note inside that said something like, “I’m not sure if you remember me but I was the girl that took you to breakfast with (blah blah blah). I’m not looking for a relationship but was wondering if you’d like to get together for coffee sometime just to talk.” I included my phone number and mailed it. He called me a couple days later, the same day he received the card in his mailbox. He had other things going on, so we never made it to coffee, but we talked on the phone for hours almost every night. After a few weeks of phone conversation, he asked me out on a date for New Years Eve. 

Adulthood (35-42) –Shape our outward life to shape our inner journey. Engagement with the most significant parts of life. Pioneering. Our behaviors are adapted to our environment and the people around us. Periods of rest and contemplation. Projects, work, communities, setting solid foundations to new ways of living and growing.

     · After about two and a half years of dating, I sold my house and moved into an apartment with my boxer and cockapoo in the same suburb where my boyfriend lived. While there, I had to let go of my boxer, my Turner. We had been through so much together, but I realized that he had taught me responsibility. I had something besides myself to care for, I couldn’t do the things I did before, I couldn’t stay out late, or crash at friend’s houses. I never left him alone for more than an 8-hour span. My friends would call me crazy “You’re leaving because of a dog?”. 

     · About four years into dating, my boyfriend had to have another back surgery (he had been in a nasty accident several years earlier that forced him into retirement.) He had full custody of his son and with taking his son’s feelings into consideration, we couldn’t just move me in. So, in preparation for this surgery, we explained to him that it would be easier for me to take care of him and things around the house after surgery if I were to move in. Just before the surgery, we moved me out of my apartment, put most of my stuff in storage and I moved in officially. 

     · I will admit, it wasn’t an easy adjustment for me. I mean the caregiving went great; I was always on top of things. But at the time I was a huge people pleaser and never voiced my feelings or concerns. I just always adjusted in my head and would come up with different internal excuses for why I felt the way I did.  My boyfriend never left his bed, and I could see he was spiraling into depression and I knew it was due to his pain, but I felt there was nothing I could do about it. I remember starting to turn negatives into positives and it would piss him off. After his son went to school in the mornings, I would sit on the couch in the front room and cry cry cry. Had I made the right choice? Should I have kept my apartment? At the beginning of our relationship, he was so caring, loving, and affectionate, however after I moved in and he recovered from the surgery, that all changed. I knew he was in a lot of pain, and I knew the pain wasn’t my fault, but still I felt unloved, unwanted, and uncomfortable being there. I had to go to work in the mornings, so I needed to go to bed at a decent time. However, he was always in bed eating, watching tv, etc … I wasn’t allowed to go to bed when I felt I needed to. I would disrupt his tv watching by asking him to turn it off because I can’t sleep with anything on except fan noise. To try and cope with this, I started sleeping in the spare room. This went on for quite some time, until he got angry and accused me of not loving him. I tried to explain, but he wouldn’t listen, my words just seemed to make him even more angry. So, to fix this I started to fall asleep in the couch in the family room, when he was ready for bed at 2-3am, he’d poke his head out the bedroom door and yell “Ok, I’m going to bed now”. I’d have to wake myself up and my dog Cooper, fold up the blankets I was using and try to fall back asleep in the bedroom. This continued for a few years until I mentally broke. 

          o Don’t get me wrong, we had several great times throughout all these years being together. We went to his family functions, on vacations, concerts, etc … A lot of really great times, which is what kept me going through it all. He was always a much different person when we were traveling; happier, more outgoing. I just kept remembering all of the great times and how loving and affectionate he used to be, I always had it running through my head that I know he was that way once, if I just hang in there a little longer and help him, he’ll get back to his old self and all will be perfect. I was honestly and truthfully madly in love with this man. I just wanted the original back; I knew he was in there somewhere. However, after my breakdown I realized that I’d lost myself in the process. I was no longer the carefree, lovey, bouncy, chipper person I once was. I lost my sparkle. Ultimately, I allowed him to break me. My revelation led to us breaking up and me moving out. I needed to get me back and removing myself was the only way I could do it. And this is where my Ascension Journey kicks in. 

Adulthood (42-49) –Outward being. Knock the outside world into shape. We can specify how we wish to live. How we look at ourselves, how we move and speak. The people that are in and out of our lives become what’s really important.

     · This is when I moved into my tiny house and all the inner work began. 

      · Relocated myself and Cooper from NY to SC. 

     · Married my soul mate. 

     · No crazy shenanigans to report here LOL …. With everything I’ve learned, everything I’ve processed and let go of, all of the self-growth I’ve done, I am the happiest and the freest I’ve ever been. 

     · I no longer feel crazy for seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, sensing what I sense, feeling what I feel, or knowing what I know. 

     · Everyone is on their own journey with their own experiences. No judgement here, only love! 

Being in this place now, I’m so excited for the next stages and the pure magic that comes with them!!

Adulthood (49-56) –Power. Notice of the patterns of the stages – inward and outward, inward and outward, etc… Teaching of our wisdom can most effectively be integrated. Clam, slow, deep, joyful, Slowness brings quality through depth. Speed brings quantity through distance.

Adulthood (56-63) –Outward ascendancy. The bearing of fruit stage. All the years of hard work and labor. The transformational stage. Become masters of our true selves. Self is ours to use as a beautiful instrument, creation, and exploration. Govern ourselves with wisdom and grace.  

Adulthood (63-75) –Inward ascendancy. The culmination of all our hard work prepares the vessel for exit. Period of the deepest joy in life. We return to the purity of our first cycle. Celebrate life and make preparations for our next